the weight of this love crushes me every day.

my chest hurts so much, this is almost unbearable. please destroy me entirely and leave no trace of me behind.

rofl i havent posted for a long time. amazing.

im done with my first year of school! i cannot believe it. no really, i cant. O_O

i never even imaged myself getting through high school and into college, much less finishing a year with decent (oh my god a C in math im so happy for a C you dont even know) grades! been through enough rooms and roomates to make anybodys head spin, im telling you !! the last was nothing short of amazing. the first couple, not so much -- but everybody has a "trial" period.

speaking of trials, i think every time im in a new situation i like to choose one person and see just how far i can push them, then tell them all the lies i told them and see what happens. i can test my boundaries and figure out what im doing and i get to have complete control over them for a little while im getting adjusted, so i have something to cling to. i did it in highschool too.

Alice's head is coming in the mail today... aaa. i wish my mail route wasnt one of the last of the day, she could be here by now.

doctors appointment tomorrow, gotta get a referral for the bg bad shot. they better sedate me good, big needle is biiiig.

this layout is like a year old time to change. ill do that after my shower!

no, im not depressed. i dont know what the hell would leave a person to say i am. if anything im happy and loving and funny. i like sunshine and flowers and dolls, long hair and pink dresses. i like smiling faces and happy people. i love romance and antiques and four-leaf clovers.

sad things make me sad and cry, and i cannot help it. i often think of the past because i when the present is boring, the past is amazing. i dont like to talk about people dying or depressive things and as such, i usually express them in words or pictures or both. i often run away from my problems and ignore then until i am able to talk about them, years later. 2 years after an incident i will begin to write about it. as such, my journals should not be taken as immediate truth.

i also like to viel my problems under pretense and fiction and names and changed identities. my best friend may be referred to as a "Prince" and my mother as a "Maid-In-Waiting". A boyfriend as a "Beloved Sister". And when i do these things, they are vague and only i may understand them fully - and as such, these journals should be taken as nothing but complete fiction to all but the writing, ergo, they are true only to me.

it is only inconsiderate of others to assume anything - i only trust in fact. There is no value in what i write or say, as it may be all lies to you.

i think im only happy when im being hated!

I honestly dont think i can do this anymore. no, really. i feel like im dying and getting my ass kicked and having my heart ripped out of me and my muscles torn into little peices.

its just... so draining.

i want to go home, i want to have a simple, easy life where i dont worry about anything. is that so hard to ask for? a place where i am comfortable and ok with everything else? christ.

oh mai god shoes.

lets buy some shoes.

school sucks so hardcore. why didnt i go to some random artsy school and become a fashion designer? i really could. i have the technical ability and the creativity and the ability to make up all kinds of stupid shit. hell, i could even make lots of clothes, i have the understanding of how things have to be sewed and made. hell, i can prolly come up with better shit then many people who are really honestly considering this for thier career.

NNNOOO, i just had to want to save the environment. i just had to come to college to do work and get stressed out about SCIENCE, of all things. how boring.

people are boring and dumb. they dont really listen. i did this before, i met people who never listened to a goddamn thing i said. they never heard a freaking thing that came out of my mouth: like so many other people do, did, will do. i'm just a little girl, a little misguided girl, you are right in everything. nothing that i know is worthwhile or in the least bit right.

little shannon has no idea what shes talking about.

its wierd, i dont really even post in this anymore. gotta make a habit out of putting an entry together at least once a week! bad michira! bad bad bad!

so i started wonderful lovely second semester of freshman year in college. i stopped posting in this once i got to college, which is wierd. i dont really like university life, its pretty boring and one-track for me. i like to do all kinds of things, instead all people want to do is drink and have sex. and while i'll drink, i'll surely not touch any men. uugh. (i was thinking about this today: i would like to date a person with AIDS. no sex!)

ive been drawing a lot lately, which is totally strange for me too. maybe college has changed me far too much. ive also noticed i curse a hell of lot more, and im a lotmore messy, and im really nowhere as good in classes as i used to be. its not hard: i just hate studying.

i think i used to complain that i wanted to change. i wanted to be the sweet, nice girl that everybody would like in college. i would be the girl that did well in class, made people laugh, took care of herself, had talent and was generally liked. i thought if i didnt, i wouldnt ever make it in university. but really... i didnt change, and i hate myself more then ever while i live here. i think i really do want to change. i know how i should act, and how i want to act, i just cant seem to do it. and remember my promise never to lie or manipulate people? that was also a lie and its long since been broken.

sry.

its not my job to entertain you, go watch a movie or something if you're interested in something a little more interesting and entertaining.

I REPEAT MYSELF CONSTANTLY

no, i really am not fine but who the fuck gives a rats ass
gaunn 'ain eo

"i work hard so one day momma may be covered in pearls"

how noble.

for what reason do i work hard?